Have you ever yearned for a love so deep, but once you tasted just a little bit of it you felt so unworthy? A love that you believe others should have and are capable of feeling, but for some reason you don’t believe you are worthy or capable of feeling or obtaining? A Love that keeps bursting through the ceiling that you have tried to put on it. A Love that is so wild that it brings a sense of life you never thought was possible to feel. A love that once you feel it wrecks your life in the most beautiful and profound way.
Me too.
MacIntosh, why don’t you believe you are worthy of being fully loved? Of being fully known? Why do you keep putting caps on the Fathers love? Why are you afraid of being loved, MacIntosh? Why are you pushing the Fathers love away, the very thing you want? Are you ready to be pursued, MacIntosh?
Welcome to my inner monologue.
As I walked into this season of squad leading the Father spoke some promises over me that in the moment seemed too good to be true. He said “Daughter, this season will look different. It will be good. Full of life. Full of love. You are ready.” After walking out a stretching season of CGA (discipleship school), and a difficult season of leading a two month trip to Southeast Asia I didn’t believe that the next season could be “good”. After the amount of pain I was able to feel in such a short season I started to put love and goodness into a box based off my experiences. I wanted to protect myself from repeating the experiences I had just walked through. However, I walked into this season of squad leading trusting my Heavenly Father and walking outside of the box of protection I had created for myself, and let my self be fully vulnerable to what He promised me.
Well, the Lord didn’t waste anytime on showing me the beginning of this promise He had for me. At launch a song called “Reckless Love” was played over and over again. To be honest at first I wasn’t too keen to the song, but each worship session I would sit with the Lord and talk to him about the lyrics.
The chorus goes like this
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn’t earn it
I don’t deserve it
Still You give yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
“Lord, I know these things are true because your word says so, but Father break down my unbelief that I am unworthy of this kind of love.
“Sara, I have and will always leave the 99 for you. You are worth it my daughter. This is the love I have for you. It’s limitless. It’s wild. It’s reckless.”
I am now walking into month 5 of squad leading, and those truths from that song and what the Lord spoke over this season have followed me. 5 months of being chased, and fought for. 5 months of being pursued. 5 months shattering the box of protection I so often wanted to run back to. 5 months of being loved.
And let me be honest being fully loved and seen by the Father is the hardest thing I have ever done, but it is by far the most incredible thing I have ever experienced.
