Embrace the Suck
“Pain is your friend, your ally, it will tell you when you are seriously injured, it will keep you awake and angry, and remind you to finish the job and get the hell home. But you know the best thing about pain?”
“Don’t know!”
“It lets you know you’re not dead yet!”
This interaction between Master Chief Urgayle and Lt. O’Neil in the movie GI Jane hits a spot so raw and fresh in me.
Pain.
It just doesn’t seem to go away. In fact, it feels like when I thought I have been filled to my capacity with pain I get a whole new pitcher dumped into me, making me feel like a vessel that can’t hold what’s being poured into it. But the fascinating thing about it is the pain never seems to overflow. Even though it doesn’t feel like it, I am never given more then what I can hold.
Pain.
It’s definitely a reminder that I am injured. Wounded. Wounded from a constant in my life being dismantled. Wounded from being vulnerable and feeling like the loaded gun of vulnerability that I just handed over to someone in trust was fired back at me. Making me wonder if vulnerability was worth the bullet wound to the chest that I am now tending. I just want all that was damaged in the process to mend back together, but that’s not how healing happens.
Angry. Aware. Awake. Did I mention angry? Fighting to make it back “home”. A place of peace and comfort. A place where I don’t have to be afraid of being fired at. A place of safety.
Pain.
The excruciating pain reminding me I am not dead.
I am not dead.
This hasn’t killed me.
But instead I feel something that pisses me off more than being dead in this moment. Dramatic, I know.
Peace.
It feels like I broke a bone and before I had a moment to acknowledge the break, it is already in a cast.
It hurts, but it has already been taken care of.
I know it is going to heal and be okay.
Peace in a time where I feel beaten is an unnatural, yet comforting feeling.
It lets me know that I have been doing things the way I should, which is what angers me.
I finally felt like I started to catch onto this thing called life, and have been living it in a healthy way. Sensitive to discernment and where the Lord wants me to go, and I still experience pain. Peace is what I so desperately need but sitting with my pain in self pity seems easier right now. Peace almost hurts worst than the exposed wound in this moment.
Peace is what is going to clean out the wounds.
When I was younger and scraped a knee playing outside my parents would bring me to the bathroom. Sit me on the counter next to the sink of running water. Lather up a towel with soap and start washing the cut. But that wasn’t the end. I would watch in fear as they bent down under the sink to grab a brown bottle I was afraid they were reaching for. Hydrogen peroxide. “It’s going to hurt, but we need to do this for your wound to be clean and heal well.” As it bubbled up on my fresh raw wound the sensation made me want to jump off the counter. Almost in more pain than the wound originally caused.
Peace right now is the hydrogen peroxide to my wounds. A painful yet extremely necessary part of the healing process.
As angry as I am with the clashing of pain and peace I need to remember Jame 1:2-4.
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
It’s messy right now, but I believe that this pain is going to spark something in me, just like it did to Lt. O’Neil. Pushing me into breakthrough, growth, maturity, and a place I thought I couldn’t get to.
