“Why are you a perfectionist?”
A question I thought I would never be asked.
Me? A perfectionist? There is no way, is there?
The more I talked with my discipler the more I realized what she called out was right. I am a perfectionist.
I always thought that perfectionism was about the task. Having all your ducks in a row. More in an OCD kind of way. And it totally can be, but it’s deeper than the task. There is a motive under it all.
Protection.
In the book “The Gifts of Imperfection” Brene Brown describes perfectionism like this, “Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame. It’s a shield. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us, when in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.”
Dang.
I was unknowingly protecting myself with perfectionism. It was brought on from deep hurt. Hurt that I never wanted to feel again. The problem was I never confronted this hurt. I just started to run from it until it was so “normal” and in the distance that I was unaware of what I was doing.
I didn’t want to be messy, because what I was running from was full of mess.
As I continued to run away from the mess I started to believe that mess was a bad thing. This thought only grew the more I ran from confronting the problem.
Mess scared me.
A few days after the conversation with my discipler I found myself in my favorite coffee shop. I ordered my usual and started to walk to my seat. On the 50 foot journey I spilled my cappuccino. The beautiful, white, simple, flawless mug/saucer now had the content of my drink on the outside.
It was messy.
Settling into my seat I sat the drink down and before taking a sip I just studied the cup.
The Lord started to reveal something to me.
“Even though the cup is messy it doesn’t change what is held on the inside. It’s still delicious. It’s still a cappuccino. It doesn’t change just because of a little mess.”
You right God.
Having my mess show doesn’t change me. I’m still Sara, Daughter of God. Just like that cappuccino I was hand crafted for a purpose and a little spill doesn’t change why I was created. I don’t need to be afraid of the mess any longer.
As I continue to walk with the Lord through this I am coming to terms with being okay in the mess. I am learning to be perfectly okay with not being perfect.
